being unemployed is a very depressing thing. lazing at home all day sucks. unless its something you get paid for. that hell yeah, i'll definitely take that job. and i thought lazing around was th best. i guess i thought wrong.

as much as i want to start work as soon as possible, i dread starting over. alright. i swear i'm a walking contradiction. because i'd really want my next job to start right now. but the thought of a brand new place is- overwhelming. starting over in a new environment scares me. the process of adapting, meeting new people, changing my lifestyle and stepping out of my comfort zone. it all seemed like square one. getting comfortable to living a new life will honestly take time. but i really pray hard, i'll get there. well, it does take time to get comfortable, right?

But, on th other hand. Th thought of discovering new things or even exploring the depths of my own capability excites me. How does challenges sound like- intriguing huh? I need those in my life, otherwise, it'd be boring. Everyday i'll look for a goal to achieve by th end of th day, or week or the hour. it depends. if i fail th first, then i know. i'm going to have to try harder th next. the feeling of success of accomplishing that goal, is indescribable. but i love it. Without these, i will never know how much i could stand before i fall. how hard i was until i crumble. i will never know how far i'd go until i start. i will never know th ability, my strengths, my weaknesses, how headstrong i am without challenges and failure.

As much as i would like to sound as optimistic as possible; let's face it. i'll always be hunted with doubts, what ifs and these demons in my head telling me its not worth trying because i'll fail in the end or telling me im never good enough or someone else could do better than me. i'd have to fight strong and much much much more braver. to face these negativity on my own. i'll have to face it, somehow. Sound easy. but it's never something i was able to do. because sometimes, i'll flinch at th thought of fear and surrender before even trying. and i'm not proud of that. not at all. at least i'm still fighting them. and i think right now, that's all that matters right now.